President Trump Quotes Nigerian Muslim Poet to Irish Prime Minister

Hey I thought it was Irish.

March 17, 2017 – In what has become another alternative crazy quote in the alternative crazy universe that President Donald Trump’s mind resides in, he quoted his favorite Irish Proverb, to… wait for it… the Prime Minister of Ireland.

“As we stand together with our Irish friends, I’m reminded of a proverb — and this is a good one, this is one I like. I’ve heard it for many, many years and I love it,” Trump said. “Always remember to forget the friends that proved untrue, but never forget to remember those that have stuck by you.”

Waitaminute. A quick Google Search (something that Mr. Trump seems to be incapable of) reveals that this is not an Irish proverb. It’s not an Irish quote. It’s not Irish in any way, shape or form.

No. It appears to be the work of a Nigerian poet, who is also a Muslim.

[Insert insane laughter here]

Of course we’ve all grown weary of the weirdness coming from our nation’s capital these days. And today is no different.

Trump Calls for Crackdown on Consumer Financial Protection Bureau

Screw the Poor!

March 17, 2017 – In the latest salvo in the Trump Administration’s War on The Poor and Middle Class, Donald Trump has announced his plans to gut the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.

If you haven’t heard of it, the CFPB enforces a wide range of consumer protection rules imposed on banks, payday lenders, mortgage brokers and other financial institutions. The agency says it has delivered $11.7 billion of “relief to consumers” since its creation, including $3.6 billion in direct compensation to consumers and $7.7 billion in principal reductions, canceled debts and other consumer relief.

But to Trump and his posse of oligarchs and billionaires, the long-suffering middle class, poverty-stricken, and unemployable people of the United States don’t matter in the least.

In fact, if it were up to the Trump/Bannon administration, AND, you make less than $300,000 a year, it’s time for you to buck up and just die off already. Jeesh. What a drain on proper society!

Consumer protection? Why would the fine people of Ohio need that? They don’t have any mortgages or credit cards anyway. They DO NOT need protection from predatory lending and collection practices, according to the Trump administration.

Grow up, is their message. Can’t afford health insurance, your mortgage, rent, or groceries, because your job went away? Just die off already.

Or, as someone put it so succinctly. “Let them eat cake.”

Trump Ramps Up Praise for Hitler and Goebbels During Joint Press Conference with Angela Merkel

Trump Professes Deep Praise

March 17, 2017 – During his first joint press conference with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, President Trump reiterated his deep praise for former ruler of Nazi Germany, Adolph Hitler.

Calling the former murderous dictator a “strong leader” who “knew how to get things done” and “keep the trains running on time,” Trump observed that “the jury is still out” on whether the Holocaust actually took place, because the “Mainstream Media” has been trying to “cast the Alt-Right community in a bad, bad, very bad, light.”

He went on to call [Joseph] “Goebbels, a very, very, excellent minister of propaganda” and noted that the “Lying Press – a huge, huge, pack of very, very, very, very, bad, bad, bad, lying dudes and dudettes” should take a few lessons from Goebbels, citing his groundbreaking work in the brainwashing of hordes of frothing-at-the-mouth supporters, the constant fabrication of state lies, and deep distrust for the truth and the rule of law.

It’s uncertain whether Angela Merkel had anything to say, because no reputable media outlets were allowed to attend the press conference. President Trump’s jack-booted private security prevented anyone without a Breitbart, Fox News, or Drudge Report badge from entering the venue.

Rex Tillerson Wants to Invade N. Korea, but “They Have No Oil to Steal”

March 17, 2017 – Newly installed Minister of State Secretary of Oil, Rex Tillerson, warned that North Korea could be invaded next week. Although he feels there “isn’t enough oil there for it to be of interest,” his constant need for War Profiteering compels him, nonetheless, to go ahead and invade North Korea anyway.

Although Mr. Tillerson is surely old enough to remember what a complete disaster the first Korean War was, he feels that US lives are worth the extra money in his pocket.

He said, “Listen, these guys volunteered to go to war, so we should just go ahead and send them to their deaths in this rugged, mountainous landscape…” Adding further that “You never know, there might be some oil we can take once we get bogged down.”

Citing President Trump’s endless appetite for chaos, he seemed to indicate that it would be worth a “few ten thousand of our brave men and women in uniform to go ahead and die” so that his employer, Exxon-Mobil, can continue to spew CO2 into the atmosphere.

Sean Spicer Announces New Wiretapping Allegations

Commander Zorgan
Head Mouthpiece Spicer

March 17, 2017 – Today White House Spokesman Sean Spicer announced that not only did Obama wiretap Trump Tower during the campaign, but also, and more importantly, an ancient alien civilization was the true inspiration and major driving force behind President Trump’s stunning Electoral College victory.

Mr. Spicer went on to say that Zorgan, the Great Almighty Ruler of the Sirius dog-star radio system, had his subordinates install radio transmitters in Steve Bannon’s earlobes. These earlobe transmitters were broadcasting every utterance recently made by Dolly Madison, the inventor of the cupcake, directly into Melania Trump’s head.

He then went on to explain that an extremely small (and very, very smart) alien controller, named “Zultan,” was living inside Melania’s tiny brain cavity, manipulating the first lady’s anthropomorphic android body, using instructions encoded in every utterance made by Dolly Madison.

When asked why Zorgan chose Dolly Madison as his surrogate, Mr. Spicer replied, “Dolly Madison is a HUUGE food scientist, and a major figure in the founding of this great nation. Her nationalistic way of thinking, as inventor of the glorious cupcake, is clearly on a par with the head chef of Mar-A-Lago, where Trump has been spending an unprecedented amount of time hacking up the golf course, and sharing classified information with his dining guests.”

No further comments were given by Mr. Spicer, other than to say his surname is actually a code word for scrambled eggs with ham and cheese.

Trump Announces That Meals on Wheels Will Run Over Poor People

March 17, 2017 – President Trump announced today that his administration will not eliminate funding for Meals on Wheels. Instead he plans to issue an Executive Order that “All Meals on Wheels vehicles will be directed to no longer deliver meals to hungry, impoverished, seniors… Instead, Meals on Wheels vehicles will actually drive over all hungry, impoverished senior citizens, starting immediately.”

The first wave of drive-overs will begin in the flyover states of Ohio, West Virginia, and Kentucky.