March 17, 2017 – Today White House Spokesman Sean Spicer announced that not only did Obama wiretap Trump Tower during the campaign, but also, and more importantly, an ancient alien civilization was the true inspiration and major driving force behind President Trump’s stunning Electoral College victory.
Mr. Spicer went on to say that Zorgan, the Great Almighty Ruler of the Sirius dog-star radio system, had his subordinates install radio transmitters in Steve Bannon’s earlobes. These earlobe transmitters were broadcasting every utterance recently made by Dolly Madison, the inventor of the cupcake, directly into Melania Trump’s head.
He then went on to explain that an extremely small (and very, very smart) alien controller, named “Zultan,” was living inside Melania’s tiny brain cavity, manipulating the first lady’s anthropomorphic android body, using instructions encoded in every utterance made by Dolly Madison.
When asked why Zorgan chose Dolly Madison as his surrogate, Mr. Spicer replied, “Dolly Madison is a HUUGE food scientist, and a major figure in the founding of this great nation. Her nationalistic way of thinking, as inventor of the glorious cupcake, is clearly on a par with the head chef of Mar-A-Lago, where Trump has been spending an unprecedented amount of time hacking up the golf course, and sharing classified information with his dining guests.”
No further comments were given by Mr. Spicer, other than to say his surname is actually a code word for scrambled eggs with ham and cheese.