Great news: Mexico offers to pay for Trump’s impeachment

By  []

Marking a potentially big turnaround in rocky U.S.-Mexico relations, Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto on Wednesday offered to pay for President Trump’s impeachment instead of a $21.6 billion border wall separating the two nations.

“We would pay for the ‘whole enchilada,’” Peña Nieto told reporters on the steps of the National Palace in Mexico City. “Impeachment is far cheaper than a border wall, and frankly, no one will want an expensive border wall after Trump’s gone, anyway.”

Budget deficit hawks and even some GOP leaders welcomed Peña Nieto’s offer, which comes amid growing calls for Trump’s impeachment for his part in a series of scandals that has rocked Washington and plunged the White House into chaos.

“While the cost of impeachment is just a drop in the bucket of the multi-trillion dollar federal budget, every little bit helps,” said Sen. John McCain, effusively praising the Mexican financial offer at a news conference. “And it’s time to get this idiot out of office anyway.”

The latest scandal broke Tuesday with reports that Trump allegedly asked former FBI director James Comey to end the criminal investigation into Trump’s then national security advisor, Michael Flynn. Trump’s behavior fueled accusations the White House obstructed justice, a potentially impeachable offense. On Monday, news broke that Trump may have leaked highly classified information to Russian spies in the Oval Office, prompting calls from Democrats and even some Republicans for an independent prosecutor into Trump’s potential wrongdoing.

The GOP has indicated it would not include money for Trump’s border wall in its fiscal 2017 budget, and the Department of Homeland Security has estimated that the 1,250 mile series of walls and fences pushed by Trump would cost as much as $21.6 billion. In contrast, the most recent U.S. impeachment, of former President Clinton, added up to about $80 million, according to the Congressional Budget Office.

Mexico’s timely offer could bring a much-needed thaw in U.S.-Mexico relations, which iced up after Trump’s insistence — during the 2016 presidential campaign — that America’s southern neighbor bear the full cost of a wall to block out Mexican rapists, murderers and drug pushers. Mexico’s refusal to pay prompted Trump to threaten to retaliate with a border tax on Mexican imports to cover the wall’s cost.


Melania Idly Wonders If She Would Get Heads-Up About Nuclear Missile Headed Toward New York


Melania Trump displays a deep understanding of the risks of nuclear holocaust.

NEW YORK—Saying she liked to believe she’d be given some kind of warning, Melania Trump idly wondered Wednesday whether she would get a heads-up if a nuclear missile were headed toward New York. “You’d think I’d receive a phone call with some sort of instructions if they knew a nuclear warhead was on its way,” said the first lady, despite being unable to recall her husband or any officials ever mentioning the existence of an alert system or notification protocol. “Maybe they have a secret shelter somewhere, and they’ll just show up suddenly to evacuate me and Barron. If they knew I was in the direct path of a nuclear weapon, surely they’d at least contact me so I could emotionally prepare, right? If absolutely nothing else, Donald would call to say goodbye and tell me he loved me, wouldn’t he? I mean, wouldn’t he?” After pondering the scenarios for a few minutes, Melania decided that, on second thought, it was probably better if she didn’t know.

Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements


WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure their messaging is being communicated to the public in a clear and transparent manner, the White House Press Office announced Wednesday that Sean Spicer has been given his own press secretary to answer the media’s questions about his controversial statements. “The remarks from the press secretary are being taken out of context, which is unfortunate, given the fact that he is in actuality trying to make very much the opposite point,” said Press Secretary to the White House Press Secretary Kevin Harrigan in his first briefing following his appointment to the role, whose primary duties include conducting supplementary press conferences after Spicer’s daily briefings in order to clarify and explain his comments. “If you actually look at the evidence from all sides—the substance, if not the entire whole, is solid, which is what he was trying to articulate all along. And that remains true even if the media is trying to nitpick his words and promote their own message. I understand the point, but it’s clear what he was trying to say with the aforementioned statements—even the parts he was referring to—and, um, I’m sorry, you can’t just pretend otherwise.” At press time, a contrite Harrigan was appearing on multiple morning talk shows to apologize for suggesting that if Syrian president Bashar al-Assad had a nuclear weapon, he might be the first to ever use one.


By   []


MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning rebuke of a former close political ally, Russian President Vladimir Putin on Wednesday angrily resigned from Donald Trump’s 2020 reëlection campaign.

The abrupt resignation sent shockwaves through the Trump reëlection organization, for which Putin had served as chairman.

Putin’s sudden departure, which he announced during a joint appearance with the United States Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, appeared to catch the former ExxonMobil C.E.O. off guard.

“Given the recent actions of Donald Trump, I feel that I can no longer effectively serve as his campaign chairman,” Putin told reporters, while Tillerson looked on awkwardly.

In an unusually emotional comment by the Russian President, a visibly bitter Putin added, “I worked very hard on Trump’s 2016 campaign, and, at the end of the day, I have no more to show for it than Chris Christie does.”

At the White House, a source close to Trump said that he had not yet decided who would take Putin’s place in his 2020 campaign, but that it would “probably be Jared.”

Sean Spicer Says “At least Hitler only gassed Jews” at Press Conference

Sean Spicer attempts to clarify

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer compared Assad to Hitler, but had to clarify that “at least Hitler only gassed Jews… I mean, he didn’t drop poison gas from airplanes…”

Stunned observers were forced to realize that the Trump Administration doesn’t believe the Holocaust really happened, or that perhaps the people who were killed in the Holocaust must have deserved it.

Trump Hopes to Improve Relations with Egypt by Meeting with “Pharaoh Ramses the Third”

Trump announces his plan “To re-boot relations with the great Pharaohs of Egypt.” 


[STAFF WRITER] – President Trump announces his plans to visit the land of the Nile today, saying “This guy Ramses, I mean, he built these beautiful, beautiful, HUUGE Pyramids, you know, I bet if we gave them some paper, so they could stop using papyrus, they could help us build the Wall”

He went on to say that, “We could also help them stop carving on stone, because, well that’s great but, they should be using the cyber, like we are.”

He said he also plans to take his newly-named assistant, Ivanka, because “she’s hot, I mean, if she weren’t my daughter, va-va-voom! What a great ass, isn’t it hot?” And, she can “get some of that Egyptian cotton stuff, because it’s really, really smooth!”

Mike Pence couldn’t be reached for comment because he was being held captive by a  bottle of Aunt Jemima pancake syrup  at a truckstop in Vincennes, Indiana.